It’s been an odd new year. trying to get back on track hasn’t been a vacation. Coming back from Magic Kingdom was harder than hitting the floor head down…And as I wipe the dust of the counters, arguing with my self for not agreeing just yet with this life I am living… I can’t help thinking about how my life has become a constant fight between two movies. The Help and the Wolf of Wall Street. Let me explain why.

The Help is what I wish I had when I blindly decided to move back to Miami again, because dust and dirt, grows overnight, specially when you have a lot of free time. Instead, I became my own Help. every time I see a spoon laying around the wrong places, I know if I don’t move it, it will stay there forever. And that is the part I hate about having way too much time in my hands, because lets be honest. Whoever say cleaning takes up your entire day is full of it. How dirty are you? Really. And as I walk my friend’s dogs, because if you are not the “help type” (read richer than rich) you don’t event walk your own dogs (not my case here) I start to realize. I know why. Very simple answer. For my family, the love of my life, for having the pleasure of sit on the beach and think about life, for giving the men I love a chance to get his pride back, because he wants to be the head of this household, and that makes me feel loved, appreciated and respected. Because I felt in love with this town, and because now more than ever I know I belong here.

And they keep asking me (yes, my inner voices, there are two of them) why did I do this again? Why did I move back to a town where you have to do everything, work your ass off to barely make rent, the cheapest plan you can do outside cost more than one day of work pay back in my hometown, and why did you leave your road to riches? Why choosing the hard path in life? Not anybody would do that. But I did. Because when your life stop making sense, you have to start all over, and if you brought little humans to this world, you are kind of obligated to find a better world around you. And because living that other life had a price I wasn’t willing to pay.

But wait, what about the other movie? The other side of…Oh yes, the degenerate me. The one that watches Shameless, House of lies and Weeds, the one that escapes this life to the movies to find “The Wolf of Wall Street” to wake up and wonder again and again if I drank my opportunity of being a successful professional in my young adult years. Did I miss the big break, with the big office with the chance to keep being a party animal, driving my choice of car, with the fashionable drugs with the right bunch of friends? Will I be happier if I was pretending that I am not a married mom, that I am not a teen anymore and that the world is a better place if you spend your days numbed with the substance of the hour? Are the Hindu theories that say there is no “What If” right? Not sure, but I want to believe that the life we chose to live, the people we made family with and the life we are living now is the one.

Maybe one day, there will be a middle where I can have a bit of both worlds and feel a bit more balanced. In the meantime I will take whatever this life bring me, and try to make the best of it. While I keep searching for the perfect movie and the perfect life.

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